Taking out the trash

commentary In keeping with the Department of Internets commitment to transparency in government, I'd like to take this opportunity to present an update on the little side-project we've been running to ensure that appropriate waste disposal procedures are built into Australia's next-generation communications platform.

Fake Stephen Conroy
(Credit: DBCDE/ZDNet.com.au)

But first, I'd like to address the pending departure of Mr Sol Trujillo, Telstra's CEO. It's true, after all, that Sol and I have had a turbulent relationship; I've enjoyed the thrill of his firm hand at my back, as we pushed towards a climactic victory in the Federal Election; I've felt the searing lower-abdominal pain stemming from his response to the National Broadband Network tendering process.

But over the past few months, our relationship has soured and decayed beyond any hope for recovery, and so I've reluctantly asked Sol to consider — to strongly consider — returning to his native Wyoming.

So, as Sol prepares to leave our shores, carrying heavy golden suitcases full of money, let his fate be a warning to those who would hope to rule the Australian telecommunications empire that is Telstra; do not cross me or my department, and if you threaten the future of our nation's broadband infrastructure, you'll be packing your suitcases quicker than you can say "Adios".

This past month has been a challenging one for the Department of Internets; among the aforementioned difficulties, the combined deviant forces abroad on the internet have succeeded in corrupting a number of prominent supporters, including Special Agent Clive Hamilton and Senator Vice-Admiral Steve Fielding.

In February 2009, Hamilton, the distinguished ethicist, published a short story in an Australian newspaper that explicitly detailed the sexual awakening of a young boy. In it, the youthful protagonist returns home from school one day to a house infested by internet demons and pop-up windows.

Over the course of five paragraphs, Hamilton describes in vivid and revolting detail that haunts me to this day, this blushing cherub's descent into a pornographic hell from which he can never return.

If you threaten the future of our nation's broadband infrastructure, you'll be packing your suitcases quicker than you can say "Adios"

Clive Hamilton's mental collapse represents a tragic end to a distinguished career of academic and public service. But perhaps even more disturbing than the loss of this intellectual giant, is the decision by a major metropolitan newspaper to publish his foetid fiction; illustrating just how far the taint of perversion has spread throughout our culture.

If nothing else, the output from Hamilton's diseased imagination has revealed how wide, and how deep, the corrupting mind-virus of pornography has spread throughout the formerly reserved — and morally pure — mainstream media.

If mainstream media cannot be trusted to provide an objective, poison-free analysis of the issues of the day, then it is the responsibility of this government — specifically, my department — to come to the citizenry's rescue. A task-force has been established to investigate the formation of just such a "Ministry of Information".

It is with great sadness that I must also confirm the defection of former ally, friend and Family First Senator, Steve Fielding. During a recent Senate hearing, Senator Fielding claimed that singles living alone are harming the environment with their "resource-inefficient lifestyles".

As has been previously reported, a "resource-inefficient lifestyle" is code for polyamorous group-living. In the history of our great nation, never have three words (two of them hyphenated) so threatened the very fabric of society; the fabric that binds us together, and that we have vigorously defended for a hundred years.

Fielding, and his backers, would have us believe that if one wife can save a tree, then six wives can save a forest.

Polygamists aren't the only beneficiaries from Fielding's betrayal of core family values; the offensive cohabitation arrangements of same-sex couples finds itself redefined in Fielding's warped world-view as a community service — something to be applauded — as if super-hot girl-on-girl marriage can undo the devastating effects of climate change.

As you can see, we have a lot of work ahead of us in the battle against cultural decay. Furries, gamers, website administrators, bloggers, social media consultants and twitterers are menacing our internets — and our children — at this very moment. Only together can we overcome these threats. It's a difficult task, but we Australians are difficult people.

There is nothing so trivial or subtly nuanced that we cannot band together to crush it into submission; no idea, no culture, no crazy internet meme.

LOL (Lots of Love),

Fake Stephen Conroy

Fake Stephen Conroy is a 45-year-old fake politician and prolific twitterer who'll do anything to please you, baby. Don't worry girl, I gots "protection", and it'll degrade my performance all night.